Is it a Breakdown or a Breakthrough?

I sat on my bed, journal in hand, and sobbed.
Slam a door. 
Curse the sky.
It was like I was fourteen years old again. 
I’m sure to most people, including my husband, I probably looked insane. 
He ran on some errands and when he returned, his wife was a crying, heaping mess.
I’m sure someone would have called TruTV… “Get Snapped on the line! We’ve got a live one!”
But, what I see now is that I didn’t snap. 
I felt. 
As in “feelings”. 
You know… those things we talk about but as soon as they come up, we grab a drink, our phones, the remote or decide this is the perfect time to run errands or catch up on work.
See, on Sunday, I was living in deep shame. 
But instead of grabbing something, I closed my eyes and jumped into the deep end. 
I was going to FEEL my way through this pain. 
Cause,  you see, until about 5 months ago, I didn’t know what it was like to feel your feelings. 
I mean, I’m not a dumbass. I knew that feelings were meant to be FELT. 
But, what I’ve learned is I was feeling them with my mind. 
Maybe you do to?
Let’s try something…
Think about a time you were hurt emotionally. When someone said or did something that really made you sad. You felt unseen. Unheard. Disrespected. Discarded.
Frankly, you knew in your hard that in that moment, you didn’t mean shit to that person. 
Where do you feel that?
Your head?
Tension in your shoulders?
Does your face scrunch up in pain and anger?
Though those are valid feelings and emotions, I charge that perhaps you’re not FEELING your feelings.
I’ve found that feelings are in your BODY, not your head. 
When you feel that profound sense of disconnection, it’s often in your stomach, your solar plexus… your heart.
Well, Sunday, I was in my heart. 
And on any other given Sunday, my breakdown would have been the end of me that day.
I’d choose to sit in self-pity, self-righteousness, shame, regret and anger. 
And I’d just push pause on my life as much as I could with 2 toddlers and an endless to-do list.
But this week, I chose differently because I knew differently. 
I knew differently because I have a coach. 
Someone I can reach out to while I’m learning to perfect the ART of BEING ME. 
And I asked her for help. 
“How do I reset? I feel like I’m spiraling?”
I wanted to do something differently. 
I knew what laid at the end of shame, pity, regret, and anger… and you know what’s there? More shame, pity, regret and anger. #beentheredonethat
So, I CHOSE to shift.
I chose to do it differently this time. 
When I chose to do things differently; when I asked myself new questions…. I found that a Breakthrough is just a Breakdown waiting to be used. 
I took what looked messy, sad and a bit fucked up and turned it into a total breakthrough. 
I saw myself. 
With unconditionally loving eyes.
I forgave.
I challenged myself to do better.
And I gave myself grace. 
Cause God and all his angels know I’m doing my best.
I know I’m changed. 
I can’t prove it. 
I don’t have the receipts. 
But my heart knows. 
And now you know too. 
See your pain. 
Meet it. 
Join it. 
Love it.
Then turn your breakdown into a breakthrough by choosing to do it differently this time.
xoxo Heather Garcia

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